im starting this on january 2nd, 2024 which is my 36th birthday!
if you’re wondering why you weren’t invited to my birthday party, it’s because im not having one! im so bad at having birthdays. i always think “oh, i should do something for my birthday coming up” and then get overwhelmed and plan nothing. i don’t have a “group” of pals where we all hang out together because i’m not a 90s sitcom character. but instead have a smattering of wonderful people from different areas of my life who don’t all know each other, but know of each other. and many of the people i deeply love and would want to celebrate with don’t live in milwaukee. so i get stressed about inviting everyone and making sure everyone would have fun and not feel awkward meeting all my other friends (they wouldnt! i know this in my head and my heart!! my friends are all lovely and can socialize! this is a ME PROBLEM)
also planning a party or even a small get together sounds like a lot of work. and my birthday is january second, when people are pretty partied out.
so instead i fart around and plan NOTHING and then when people are like “what are you doing to celebrate?” im like NOTHING and feel like im disappointing people with my answer.
BUT i always have a lovely birthday where i feel very special and loved anyway. just because i am bad at birthdays, doesnt mean i have BAD birthdays.
if you are also bad at birthdays, i SEE YOU AND YOU ARE VALID. maybe one day we will get better at birthdays, but if not or if you have no desire to, THATS OKAY.
if now you’re thinking, wow amanda you are so wise. i wish you had other nuggets of wisdom or thoughts or tips things you wish everyone knew or WHATEVER you could impart on me. WELL YOU ARE IN LUCK.
in honor of my 36th birthday, HERE ARE 36 OF THEM.
36 on 36
growing up my mom always told me “one day you will wish you were as fat and ugly as you think you are now,” and AINT THAT THE TRUTH. i spent my entire teens and some of my twenties thinking i was fat and ugly and ashamed of my body, when i wasn’t fat OR ugly, and should have been walking around naked and basking in my youth and beauty. now at 36 i AM fat AND hot. and though i still have moments where i wish i looked like i did at 26, i know at 46 i will probably have moments where i wish i looked like i do RIGHT NOW, so i try real hard to appreciate how hot i am RIGHT NOW as i am, and look forward to how hot i’ll be in the future.
try and take more, and BE IN MORE pictures. now if you are my mother (hi pegz) and your reaction to this is “OK THEN WHY DO YOU MAKE A DUMB FACE EVERY TIME I TRY AND TAKE A PICTURE or bitch every time i want to take one”, WELL that’s because you consistently take the most unflattering candids in the world, and seem to only want to take pictures to post on your facebook when i look like shit. also i said, MORE pictures, not GOOD pictures. but if you arent my mom and are still reading this before skipping to number 3, take more pictures and let more pictures of yourself be taken. people die. you’ll regret not having more pictures with and of them, and you’ll need pictures of your past self to appreciate how hot you were, or make fun of past style choices.
if you work in a job where you have annual performance reviews and an email address, make a folder in your inbox titled idk “achievements” or whatever. Then whenever you finish a big project, or do something outside of your normal responsibilities or achieve something or get a compliment, save that email in your folder. that way, when it’s review time and they’re like “ok what have you done all year?” you have an answer that isnt just “idk, my job?” and you dont have to bang your head on your desk trying to remember everything you did the past year.
similarly, make a photo album in your phone called “nice things” and take a screenshot every time you get a really nice compliment/someone says something nice about you or your work. (if you’ve ever said anything nice to me about my writing, it’s probably in my nice things folder). then, when you’re feeling like a piles of turds, or like your art/writing/music/whatever sucks, you can take a look at your nice things folder and remember you arent a turd pile and some people really like what you make!
when you think of something nice to say, say it. ppl dont get enough compliments. compliment strangers, and your friends and loved ones whenever you can.
when you think of something shitty to say, maybe dont say it. unless its really funny. also, sometimes knowing you COULD say something shitty and totally devastating is enough.
bird don’t fuck in the air. this isnt advice or a metaphor or anything. there’s just a lot of people out there who for some reason believe birds (especially eagles) fuck in the air. i wish they did! i just need yall to know that they dont.
you’ll spend so much less time pissed off if you assume the way ppl behave isn't personal & everyone's just trying their best. you may be wrong and thatll become clear, and then you can be pissed. but most of the time this is this case.
there isn’t enough SPF in your foundation/tinted moisturizer/moisturizer/whatever makeup product to be effective. you need to also wear an actual sunscreen. for the SPF in your foundation or whatever to be effective you need to use like a tsp of it. omg what if this whole thing had just been the lyrics to baz lurmans “wear sunscreen”?
sometimes the trash takes itself out. its a blessing, don’t go go the dump to try and get it back.
as a general rule, if a romantic interest or partner has you: pulling tarot cards or buying self help books you should dump or stop interacting with them.
yes, you will have sex again.
if you want a premium pooping experience, you should get a squatty potty and a bidet. shitting without a bidet is SO GROSS.
if you can afford it, sometimes it’s worth it to throw money at a problem. dont feel bad about it.
if you’re traveling for work, or need to keep track of receipts for any reason take a picture of it, and keep an album in your phone called “receipts” that way if you lose them its not a big deal.
unconditional love isn’t for romantic partners. it’s for parents and their children. love your kids unconditionally. otherwise, your love should have conditions! if someone treats you poorly, they don’t deserve your love!
if you haven’t already, one day you’re gonna shit yourself.
your resume doesn’t need an objective. also idk a single recruiter who reads cover letters.
like my girl mary kate olsen once said, “no is a full sentence.”
theres a filter/trap thing in your dishwasher and you should clean it from time to time. i learned this on tiktok.
if you’re new to lipstick or bold lip colors, and you feel like it’s TOO MUCH on your face, wear it around the house a couple times and get used to it. it probably looks amazing, you just aren’t used to it.
if you’re in a hotel room and the AC wont go up or down to your desired temperature you can override it. just search override and the brand and model and a youtube video should pop up showing you how to do it.
everyone forgets everyone’s names, dont feel embarrassed. just apologize and tell them its not personal, you are just bad with names. more often than not, theyll be like omg i forgot yours too, i was just too embarrassed to ask.
you can cook corn on the cob in the microwave while its in the husk! my sister and BIL taught me this. you just put it in the microwave for like 3 minutes. then peel the husk back a little, if its not done add another minute. keep going until its done, but it shouldnt take long.
HOT TAKE HOT TAKE but just buy drug store mascara. ive tried a million mascaras. i have yet to find a pricey one that ACTUALLY performs better than drugstore mascara. (if you think you can prove me wrong, feel free to buy me your favorite and ill try it but i REFUSE to pay sephora prices for mascara anymore)
making friends as an adult can be hard, but if you meet someone and you’re vibin ask to exchange numbers/instagrams/emails/WHATEVER and if they’d like to hang out sometime. (straight men, idk if this advice is for you regarding straight women) theyll probably be flattered and grateful you asked! they could be thinking the same thing but feel too awkward to make the first move.
dont be afraid to ask a stupid question. if you aren’t stupid, that will become clear (if you are stupid, this advice does not apply to you, but honestly if you are smart enough to read this substack you probably dont have to worry)
get into therapy, even if something major isnt going on. i had a lot of shit go down in 2014, and was lucky enough to already be in therapy when it happened and have appointments scheduled. it was really nice to not have to try and learn to swim when i was drowning
if you like audio books or ebooks, get the libby app. juliet escoria told me about the app once at a tudors biscuit world in west virginia and it changed my life. it lets you check out ebooks and audiobooks from your library.
if you live alone and are trying to get a bracelet with a clasp on by yourself and struggling, use dental floss. ive seen this trick with a paperclip, but i never have a paperclip handy, and you can do the same thing with a string of floss.
pay attention to people’s behaviors/actions/and patterns just as much (sometimes even more so) than what they say.
keep an ongoing list (phone, journal, whatever) of all the times you feel lucky or something lucky happens to you. i just started doing this recently, but it’s a nice reminder of unexpected nice things that happen, and is making me more aware of the good things that happen day to day
it’s better to make shitty art than no art. shitty art can get better if you keep making it.
Be particular. with almost everything.
If you get a bloody nose and wanna go hands free, use a tampon. shout out SATC for teaching me this. before i got two humidifiers for my apartment, in the winter i got bloody noses all the time. also dont tilt your head back, you fucking weirdo.
make sure when you’re gonna make a list of 36 things, you have 36 things to put on it.
Awww, such a cute baby!
All thirty-six of these are nuggets of pure gold. Especially #33. Phillip Roth said in regard to his career, "I didn't know if I was a good writer. I just wanted to be a writer." Very wise, but I like the way you say it better!