LISTEEENNNN, I KNOW ITS BEEN A WHILE. but, to reference beyonce’s record busting 2023 RENAISSANCE WORLD TOUR…
YOU’VE ASKED FOR THE SUBSTACK
YOU’VE CALLED FOR THE QUEEN
BUT A QUEEN MOVES AT HER OWN PACE BITCH
DECIDES WHEN SHE WANTS TO GIVE YOU A FUCKING TASTE
SO GET YOUR FORK AND YOUR SPOON IF YOU GOT ONE
(tiktok added for those who weren’t blessed enough by beysus to attend RENAISSANCE, or be on renaissance/beyonce tiktok, or those who aren’t beyonce fans… but like, if this last one is you, WTF WHY? WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? note this is not my video, but one i downloaded and shortened from tiktok, from user burdampi)
yall haters corny with that “you send out this substack so randomly i honestly even forget it exists, and what haters are you referring to, exactly? ppl have only been incredibly supportive of this endeavor, and never even mention how long its been since your last post or that you should get your shit together and post more often. you arent BEYONCE bitch, so lets cool it with the comparisons,” shit.
ANYWAYS… CHECK MY FLY AND MY COCKY FRESH
IM SO RECKLESS WHEN I POST MY CERAMICS SHIT
that’s right, this post is about one of my favorite activities, and an excellent craft idea for all skill levels… PAINT YOUR OWN CERAMICS!!
in the 90s, our mall had one of those paint your own ceramics places, and for a while it was THEEEE destination for birthday parties. i can’t remember if i ever had MY birthday there, but i do recall many a fun times selecting a ceramic sculpture, and painting away.
i cant remember what prompted me to google if we had one in milwaukee, but when i did i found LA TERRAZA . which i HIGHLY recommend if you’re in the area. they have a LARGE selection to choose from in all shapes and sizes, including seasonal and holiday options. AND they let you decide if you want to paint OR glaze your creation. if you select glaze, they will then fire it and you can pick it up later.
the staff is hella knowledgable and will give you advice on if you should go with glaze or paint, color selections, techniques, etc.
i have now gone SEVERAL TIMES.
the first time i went i made this beautiful, large ceramic duck..
the spotting you see on him was a result of ACCIDENTALLY using my ceramic companion’s glaze selection, which was a CRACKLE glaze (which involves like, little chunks in the glaze that like, idk heat up and bust open or crackle in the kiln to create a spotted effect) and APPARENTLY if you mix it with regular glaze, your beautiful ceramic duck may be at risk of EXPLODING in the kiln.
BY THE GRACE OF GOD, my duck did NOT EXPLODE, but if he had, la terraza would have let me collect the pieces, because, as a PLANNER, i came up with a solution in case of the unthinkable.
the next time i went to la terraza, i glazed these two selections, a delightful cactus lamp, and cowboy boot. i went with a pastel theme.
most recently, i went back over the summer with my mom, PEGGY. this time, we switched shit up and used the PAINT instead of the glaze, as our guide said it would be better for creating details.
PEGZ selected this bee-gnome motherfucker for my sister’s backyard, and i went with an option i’d been DREAMING of since my first ever visit to la terraza, this gorgeous large ceramic snail. (if you’re wondering why i didnt do the snail on my second visit, its because he WASNT FUCKING THERE and when i inquired as to where he was they told me that SNAILS ARE APPARENTLY SEASONAL and available in the SUMMER. fucking stupid if you ask me but no one did.)
i was so excited to paint my snail, and to have ADULT money, because no one would question my selection of a $50 dollar snail, or to tell me i could only pick something from the first two shelves.
pegz and i spent like, idk 2 hours working on our creations. pegz used the drybrushing technique, which is were you paint the area with a dark color, and then use a brush with a different color paint (usually a lighter color), brush off most of the paint, and then layer it over the top so it like, only hits the higher points of the area you’re painting and not the crevices, to create this layered, contrasting look that adds depth.
after painting, pegz and i grabbed haiwaiin food for dinner, and she dropped me off at home. pegz had given me a lil tote bag to put my snail in, so i was less likely to drop him.
and RIGHT after dropping me off, while i was using my lil key fob thing to open the door to my building i DROPPED THE FUCKING BAG ON THE GODDAMN CONCRETE.
I KNEW IMMEDIATELY BASED ON THE SHATTERING SOUND IT MADE WHEN THE IMPACT OCCURRED THAT MY BELOVED SNAIL WAS FUCKED.
I HADN’T EVEN GOTTEN HIM INTO ACTUAL APARTMENT YET. OR EVEN IN THE BUILDING.
LUCKILY for me, i remembered the backup plan id concocted when my duck was at risk of exploding.
CRAFT: WHAT TO DO IF YOUR TREASURED CERAMIC SNAIL OR OTHER ITEM EXPLODES OR IS DROPPED/HUMPTY DUMPTIED OR OTHERWISE DAMAGED
MATERIALS:
hot glue
gold paint
mod podge
air dry clay
gold glitter/gold glitter paint (OPTIONAL)
STEPS
assess the damage. cry if you need to.
lay out the pieces, and put that summabitch back together like a jigsaw puzzle. using the larger pieces to get a feel for what everything is, then shovin the smaller pieces in where they fit. this will involve some trial and error, DONT GLUE ANYTHING until you are SURE you are putting the right pieces together.
glue the pieces together with hot glue. (hot glue may not be the 100% best choice for this, and im open to suggestions, but what i liked about it is it sets quickly, so i was able to hold the pieces together for a short time, and then move onto another without having to wait forevvverrrr for it to dry)
once you have assembled it together, then you can use some of the air dry clay to fill in any large gaps from the places where the ceramic shards were either too small to glue back or had just been pounded into dust upon impact.
once that dries, i covered the whole thing with a HEALTHY layer of mod podge as another glue layer to make sure everything sticks together.
when that first layer dries, DO ANOTHER ONE. your snail (or plate, bowl, duck, comemerative plaque, WHATEVER) has been through enough trauma.
HERE IS THE FUN PART!
okay so the japanese have this thing called KINTSUGI, which is the art of putting broken ceramic/pottery pieces back together with gold. its cool because it doesnt try and hide the damage, but instead highlights/celebrates, suggesting its now more beautiful/valuable now that its been broken and put that together, and like? MAY THAT BE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE LESSON TO US ALL.
(not to tie EVERYTHING back to beyonce, even though i personally believe one should at any moment they can, in her music video for SANDCASTLES (seen at the 1:11 mark) a song at the end of the album/visual album LEMONADE, about jay z doing the UNTHINKABLE and CHEATING ON BEYONCE. sandcastles and its video is very much about forgiveness, finding their way back to one another, repairing their relationship. and it FEATURES A SHOT OF A KINTSUGI BOWL. )
so what i did, was take a gold paint marker (something like this) to color in the cracks. you can also use gold paint.
now this step is OPTIONAL but if you want to add a lil somethin somethin extra, you can then go over the gold cracks with THIS gold glitter paint.
BING BANG BOOM YOU’RE DONE
VERY IMPORTANT THINGS
my BFF, elle nash, has a NEW BOOK coming out OCTOBER 3RD. it’s SO SO GOOD. Juliet Escoria says “Elle Nash is one of the best writers alive. This book is utterly fearless, utterly devastating, and an uncompromising masterpiece. Reading DELIVER ME made me feel like I was possessed." PREORDER your copy HERE, unless you're an idiot. but, honestly? if you’re an idiot you should still order, it may help you become less of an idiot.
SPEAKING of juliet escoria, she has a SUBSTACK now, which you can and SHOULD follow. AND she has TWO NEW BOOKS coming out in the near(ish) future. Her short story collection YOU ARE THE SNAKE ‘s cover was just revealed, check it out HERE. AND you can PREORDER her re-release of her first two collections Witch Hunt and Black Cloud HERE. I have both collections, and have preordered the re-release because i just LOVE IT SO MUCH.
WANT TO GET AN EARLY START ON YOUR HOLIDAY SHOPPING? my sister makes beautiful custom pet portraits that make FANTASTIC gifts over at DUMBLEBUNNY CRAFTS. i have forced her to make them of all my pets, and i love them so so much. you can order them from her on ETSY or her INSTAGRAM. You can also see many many examples on her IG if you want to get an idea. they are fully customizable from the background color, if you want a specific pose, their name on it, WHATEVER. CAN YOU BELIEVE WE HAVE THIS MUCH TALENT IN ONE FAMILY?