Because he just got laid. lolololol
Hi friends.
It’s possible you have been wondering where I’ve been the past almost year? few months? listen, IDK. I have adhd and am time blind so I’m not sure how long it’s been, but I’m BACK. I’ve had a lot going on since my last substack (stepdad died, dog died, got a new day job, moved into a new place etc etc) and although i’ve been craftin, i wasnt feeling up to talking about it, BUT IM BACK BABYYYYY.
as previously mentioned, i moved into a new spot, which has required some PROJECTS. i wanted an EGG RUG to go with the yellow, vintage filing cabinet i bought for my “home office” area but after spotting one on etsy and learning the size i required would cost me like, $300, i knew i would have to make it happen on my own.
as you will see in future episodes, sometimes i like to pretend i am a DIY bitch, despite lacking any true skillset and plenty of anecdotal evidence proving otherwise.
like almost everything ive learned since late 2019, i saw most of how to do this on tiktok by a creator named @ taybeepboop (which i would link here, but idk how to link a tiktok to a substack. im v old and v dumb) . but anyway, she put two rugs together to make a custom rug, so i was like PERFECT. this is what i will do.
EGG RUG
Supplies:
1 small yellow rug (this can be pretty small, you’re only gonna use it for your yolk)
1 large white rug, bigger than the area you want to cover since we are gonna cut it down to make it eggy.
this carpet tape (it HAS to be ONE SIDED carpet tape. two sided will not work, unless you want to tape your rug to the fucking floor, which doesnt make much sense and will probably be a pain in the ass to wrassle this tape as its hella sticky.
Box cutter or xacto (scissors may due in a pinch)
marker
a vague idea of what a fried egg looks like
I will put the link to the rugs i bought for this, but DO NOT BUY THEM AND USE THEM FOR THIS PROJECT! learn from my mistakes!!
STEPS
The first thing you wanna do is lay out the big white rug upsidown so the ruggy part is facing down. THEN you’re gonna want to take a marker (i used a sharpie) and draw out the shape you want for your fried egg. you can really do whatever kinda blob shape you want, or look up pictures of eggs for reference on the internet or like your family’s set of encyclopedia brittanicas (they can be outdated, eggs aint changin)
for the yoke, you want to do the same thing, but trace out a big ass circle. i used cat toy to trace out mine, because my biggest mixing bowl was filled with sequins (TUNE IN NEXT TIME to find out why!!!), but then realized it was too small so then i had to measure out two extra inches around the whole thing and try and make sure it stayed circular.
then you take a box cutter, or scissors but i rec a box cutter over scissors if you have them, and start cutting along the lines you made.
THIS IS WHERE I REALIZED I DONE FUCKED UP.
the rug i got was super cheap, and very fluffy. by cutting this bitch up, i freed a million little fluffies that somehow became magnetic and stuck to me like macaulay culkin had fashioned a trap to i was covered in glue, then douse me in feathers. the fibers stuck to my face, and trying to wipe them away only made the situation worse and got the fibers stuck to my fingers to relocate to my face. the ones that didn’t get stuck to my face were inhaled, and got stuck in my windpipe.
a smarter, wiser amanda would have gotten one of the dozens of masks i have thanks to covid to help with this, but at this point i was too far gone and had to power through.
its just like they say, god does give his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers.
next, youll take your yoke and cut out a lil highlight if you want to get fancy. then you take that yoke, place it on a scrap of your white fabric, and trace out the space you just cut out in white.
next, you take the one sided carpet tape, and tape that bitch together. the one sided carpet tape is crucial. if you didn’t heed my previous warning and bought the same rugs i did (you idiot) then you should definitely vacuum up all the errant fluffies, otherwise they will stick to the tape immediately.
once you got everything tapped into place, flip the egg rug over, and admire it’s beauty. if you dont like the overall shape, heres where you can tweak it if necessary.
now, ANOTHER REASON i do not recommend this rug, and also the reason i do not have it anymore, is it is a motherfucker to clean. because it’s cheap and taped together, it can’t go into the washing machine. and because the fibers are so long, if you happen to, IDK LETS SAY DROP A BOWL OF STEAK AND RICE COVERED IN SOY SAUCE ON IT, you wont be able to get all of the rice out of the little fibers. you may think “oh, i’ll just use my little green clean machine, it will simultaneously wash out the stain and suck up all the rice. it’s never failed me for upholstery or rug disasters before” and you would be WRONG. the LGCM will instead mash up the rice further into the rug, and just spread the stain around. being this betrayed by something i trusted completely reopened some emotionally cauterized childhood wounds, i gotta tell you.
i threw the rug in the shower and waited for it to dry, then shoved it into my buildings trash shoot, never to be seen again.
anyway heres what it looked the final product before it died.
TW: LOLITA
after listening to the lolita podcast i was inspired to read the book for the first time and BOY did i have a LOT OF THOUGHTS. i tweeted the idea of livetweeting reading the book, but then my buddy mo suggested covering it HERE. so i’ll be sharing my thoughts chunk by chunk (idk how yet, the chapters arent v long, and the Parts are v v long) as i read this classic.
obvs, the subject matter of lolita can be pretty upsetting, so ill make sure to mention any if any lolita content will be included at the start of this of every substack, as well as tell you where to stop reading if you dont wanna hear about the book or my thoughts.
i’d heard of lolita, but based on the reactions i’d heard from other people, i thought it was just a beautifully written pervi-festo book about a pedo (yes, i know there are a bunch of terms for various perverts and their attraction different ages of CHILDREN, but you know who cares about that kind of distinction? pedos. also language changes and evolves as people use it and pedo now basically an umbrella term for anyone attracted to anyone under the age of consent. see: any episode of law and order svu) . id see comments on tiktoks where strangers on the street were asked their favorite books that said “if lolitas someones fav, thats a RED FLAG”
but after listening to the podcast, i thought id take a stab at it myself and form my own opinion.
THE FOREWORD:
okay, so like, it seems to me that most people who think this book is an ode to sex offenders just breeze right on past the foreword, probably assuming its a typical foreword thats gonna be like “vladmir nobakov was born in russia to a wealthy family blah blah lolitas cultural influence blah blah more boring facts etc etc” instead of realizing that it comes AFTER the title page and is part of the book. THE NOVEL STARTS HERE!
the foreword is from another character, a doctor, named john ray jr, and he’s like “hey these pages you’re about to read are buy a guy who just died in legal captivity awaiting his murder trial to start”.
he tells us the working titles are either lolita, or “confession of a white widowed male”, which should honestly be the mandatory subtitle of soooooo many fucking books, and had me snort laugh.
Dr. J tells us he got the book from his buddy, clarence choate clark (which i initially read as clarence chode clark and was disappointed to find i misread since chode seems the perfect middle name for a lawyer, but whatever)
here we learn out future narrator has NAMED HIMSELF humbert humbert. which, WHAT A NAME!! I like to think humby humby (as i have become fond of referring to him) was sitting around in his cell, possibly pacing and was like,
“okay what should i name myself in this book… what name matches my charisma and sex appeal? what first name will tell the reader exactly the kind of sexy beast i am? HUMBERT. DUH. okay way to start off strong! fucking nailed it.”
he paces around some more, and is all “but what about for a sirname? what has the same raw sex appeal? the same ROCK STAR qualities as humbert? what says, this guy can FUCK?”
humby humby then probably looks towards the heavens and a lightbulb appears above his head and hes like “I KNOW. HUMBERT HUMBERT”
googling “why humbert humbert” tells us this:
but i like to think this is one of nabokov’s first hint this motherfuckers crazy because he gave himself this crazy ass name.
Dr. J goes on to tell us that if we are nosy and wanna hear about the “real trial” some of the details to aide in that quest.
he makes it pretty clear that humby humby is a real piece of shit. so clear in fact, that he says “i have no intention to glorify HH. no doubt, he is horrible, he is abject, he is a shining example of moral leporasy, a mixture of ferocity and jocularity that betrays supreme misery perhaps, but is not conductive to attractiveness.” then, “many of his casual opinions on the people and scenery of this country are ludicrous. a desperate honesty that throbs through his confession does not absolve him from sins of diabolical cunning. he is abnormal. he is not a gentleman.”
im not a historian but im pretty sure “he is not a gentleman” is 1995 for WHATTA DICK.
the doctor ends his intro by saying “still more important to us than scientific significance and literary worth, is this ethical impact the book should have on the serious readers (…) the wayward child, the egotistical mother, the panting maniac - these are not only vivid characters in a unique story: they warn us of dangerous trends; they point out potent evils. lolita should make all of us- parents, social workers, educators - apply ourselves with still greater vigilance and vision to the task of bringing up a better generation in a safer world”
WHICH SEEMS TO BE LIKE, THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE BOOK. SPELLED OUT. PRETTY CLEARLY.
now why do soooo many people seem to miss the point of this book when its pretty fucking plain as day? will i forget about this as i read the rest of the roughly 300ish pages? MAYBE. i havent had to dive into a book and like, take notes on it or read anything for more than just my own personal pleasure since high school. almost all the reading i did in college was outside of school and referred to as “chick lit” and/or “beach reads” (so if you’re looking for a real smarty smarts, phd level analysis on this book YOU ARE LOOKIN IN THE WRONG PLACE, BUDDY.)
but i have a couple of theories as to why this book is misunderstood:
a) as mentioned, people skip the foreword not realizing its part of the novel, and basically chapter one.
b) reading comprehension is a muscle and a skill that not everyone has or is taught. which is a goddamn shame, but american schools were not created to teach us to THINK, but instead to be good little workers who can show up somewhere for 8 hours a day and follow directions.
c) some people, and perverts, will read what they want to read/hear what they want to hear in order to justify their own bullshit and/or outrage
d) humby humby is a skilled and charismatic manipulator. (idk about this one yet, i’m still in chapter one and so far im finding humby humby to be silly, delusional, and worthy of many eye rolls)
WORDS I HAD TO LOOK UP WHILE READING:
(for i am but a smooth brained bb)
cognomen
jocularity
SOME THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED AND YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT:
i was on a podcast for the first time ever!!! my friend courtney kocak, writer and podcaster extraordinary started a new podcast about writing called the bleeders. PEGGY DONT LISTEN TO THIS!
other amazing guests courtney has interviewed include: chloe caldwell, elle nash, chelsea martin, and caroline shannon-karasik
bestie elle nash had a new book come out from clash books called GAG REFLUX, you can order here. elle also has a patreon that is well worth subscribing to
some books i have preordered and am v excited about include allie rowbottoms aesthetica (which i luckily got to read an ARC of and cant recommend enough), and chelsea martins tell me im an artist
my friend, paulina, has a newsletter called “newly sober” where she talks sobriety, writing, creativity/etc. a must read!