Attention Whore

I want attention! And so do you. It's okay.

Not to be too Caroline “I have a pathological compulsion for writing sentences that no one has ever said before,” Calloway (complimentary) but it seems many publishing writers don’t want to admit that they want attention.

We live in an attention-based economy where we pay too much of it to shit that’s undeserving leaving us unable to pony up the funds for more worthwhile endeavors outside of our smart phones. The phrases “Attention Seeking Behavior”, “Acting out for attention”, and “Attention Whore” might as well come bookended with red flag emojis. I’ve often heard variations of “They just want attention, ignore them” or “He did whatever he could to get attention, even if it was negative,” regarding children or animals trying to get their needs met. Wanting attention is practically synonymous with being desperate, needy, and annoying, it’s no wonder we’re hesitant to own it.

Of course, many negatives can come from the desire for attention. The need for attention can make us vulnerable in ways which make us victim to a thousand different nefarious situations and people. It often leads to rushed or shitty art. Entire industries were built and fueled by this human need for attention. None of this means the desire for attention is inherently bad.

Whether or not something is worthy of your attention is a different matter.

I started this Substack because I wanted attention. It feels good when people like, comment, share my work, or message me to say something nice about it. I enjoy the feeling I get and thus continue to engage in this behavior. If I was not motivated by some form of attention, I would not make my work available for public consumption. This post, like anything anyone else has ever published and most corporate meetings, could have been an email.

Publishing, or the act of making your work public, is different from the act of creation. The desire to publish comes from a separate place than the desire to create, a place that wants some form of attention. If you are a writer who publishes their work, you are doing it for attention. People reading your work is a form of attention.

To quote my friend (and world renowned beautiful genius/writer), elle nash, “Storytelling in its total base impulse comes from the desire to build shared history and identity and also to foster connection. Which can only be done through achieving the attention of those you want to share history and identify with.”

Ultimately, this need for attention is what motivates artists of all kinds to get their work into the world.

The level of attention desired is different for everyone. Some of the need for attention may be motivated by Attention’s favorite party favors; sex, money, clout, love, power, approval, community. Sometimes we may realize our tolerance for attention has been reached or has changed and we recalibrate the ways in which we get it or stop seeking it all together (a la JD Salinger.)

While there is nothing wrong with wanting attention, if you don’t believe me the good news is there are ways in which you can participate in the art form of your choosing to ensure you are receiving the least amount of attention possible. There are plenty of writers and artists who do their work privately. You can be one too if your only desire is to write because you have an all-consuming need to put words on the page! All you have to do is stop showing anything you make to more than three people. Why three? So you can get feedback in order to “better your craft” or whatever bullshit anyone was planning to use as a loophole to avoid admitting they want attention. More than three people and they risk getting attention and they allegedly don’t want that, right?

It’s incredibly human to have negative feelings about people who are receiving more of this attention than you and are better at getting it. Oftentimes, those feelings can be distilled down to jealousy or envy which, like liquor, can be hard to swallow until you build up your tolerance.

In the past, I have unintentionally tried to mask feelings of jealousy and envy by mixing it into a cocktail of suspicion, judgment, dislike, and a belief I am somehow more virtuous/talented/deserving/good/whatever.

There was once a woman whose online presence annoyed and pissed me off. She posted Instagram stories of herself singing and dancing around their room. I hated how she felt entitled to post her mediocre singing to the world. I’d make fun of her in my head and hate-watch her stories, rolling my eyes and thinking “Is she delusional? Can she really not hear herself? Why does she think anyone wants to see this? How pathetic. I would NEVER.” Then one day I sat with those feelings and started to question them. Why did I have such an intense reaction to something that was just a different version of the same shit I did every day? Did I really think my Instagram posts and stories were more worthy and important or less “pathetic” than hers? It wasn’t like I was doing a public service posting my dogs, selfies, or screenshots of Spotify. I discovered I was jealous of this woman, jealous she appeared confident and free enough to post herself having fun in a way that would embarrass me. I was envious this woman seemed unburdened by the fear and shame that prevented me from singing in front of anyone. Worst of all, she was younger (and thinner) than me and would get to spend her early twenties bolstered by a confidence I honestly am still working to possess.

This was not a fun realization. It was easier to think she was annoying, which allowed me to believe this woman and her behavior was the problem. Getting down to the root of feelings and internal reactions to this woman revealed that I was an asshole, which sucked! However, once I realized my own baggage and bullshit were the problem, those negative feelings for the woman went away. I even came to like her online persona. It was like the scene in My Best Friend’s Wedding when Julia Roberts forces Cameron Diaz to sing at a karaoke bar in an attempt to humiliate her, but instead of everyone being like “Booooo! Tomato tomato!” the audience falls in love with Cameron.

Now whenever I have intense, negative, wary feelings of something or someone I try to sit with it for a while. I question it and do my best to pay attention to any unflattering or less palatable truths that pop up and seem to say “Hey Dickwad! You found us. We were hiding behind that louder, oftentimes more convenient feeling.” I’m not always successful and it took a while to train myself into this practice. Sometimes I don’t uncover anything and am able to submerge myself in the warm comfort of realizing the other person actually does suck, which is fucking awesome and feels even better when I’ve looked around and know I’m not smelling my own shit. Other times, I’m faced with an uncomfortable belief system or bias or whatever and I have to wade through a sea of shame before I can start to work through the real issue.

Whether it’s the need for attention or an uncomfortable feeling, I don’t think anyone has ever been served long term by not acknowledging it or pretending it isn’t there.